Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
this just has baby written all over it
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
