Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm getting married
To pizza
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
