NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
