Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I AM VODKA MAN
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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