I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
