I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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