Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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