I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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