Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
