Already got asked if we're dating
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Randomize
