Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
