Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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