I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
