I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
