Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
