I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
even my farts smell like vagina
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just gargled with NyQuil
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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