I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
