I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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