In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
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Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
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