i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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