is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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