I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
