when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
