so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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