She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
