Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
