Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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