There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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