It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
