when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
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He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
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Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm getting married
To pizza
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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