Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
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on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
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Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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