she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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