if i can run in heels then i can drive
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
