i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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