I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
