I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
