I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
