Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Randomize
