Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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