is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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