Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
