This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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