my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
