My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
