You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
