I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
