I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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