i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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