Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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