dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
