i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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