Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
