I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
