I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
