Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
